New Disease and Drug Therapy Discovered!
For centuries, practioners, medical professionals and scientists have been stymied by the ubiquitous tendency of post-pubescent men and women to harbor sexual desires for more than one person at a time. But new research has not only identified the phenomenon, but is well on its way to releasing a drug to reverse this devastating proclivity toward interpersonal mayhem.
The disease: Multiple Attraction Disorder, or MAD, has been the source of a myriad of social problems: Divorce, broken families, STDs (aka 'social disease), murder, suicide and pandemic mistrust are just a few of the manifestations of MAD. But recent breakthroughs have been able to identify the cause and treatment for this genetic malfunction.
Apparently, in many men, and women there is a microscopic artery that has been discovered running from the hypothalamus area of the brain, through the heart, and into the erogenous zones of both sexes. When an attraction to another person is sensed in the hypothalamus, a rush of endorphonic like energy is sent down this canal leaving the afflicted person with erotic thoughts and feelings that have been historically very difficult to control.
Even going back to biblical times, it is clear that MAD has been wreaking havoc throughout our pathetic attempts at anything resembling civilization. Historically, the disease (estimated to affect nearly 90% of the population in the modern era) has been controlled with pitiable attempts at will power. Unfortunately, even successful enactments of such discipline have had serious side effects...usually resulting in desperate episodes of repression leading to all kinds of unforeseen consequences, often leaving the afflicted person on a psychiatrist's couch, with numerous therapy sessions creating an acute lack of self-esteem, and ultimately, financial devastation.
But a new drug is about to be released to counteract not only the symptoms of MAD, but its causes, as well. The medical breakthrough comes in pill form and is called Madiomyacin. One pill a day (preferably at bed time) retards the rush of endorphins and allows the patient to concentrate on the sensual interactions of only the person they are with.
Initially, the pill must be taken for a 10-day period while in the company of the person the patient has chosen to be their life-partner. If the patient does not adhere to this protocol they risk connecting with anyone they have any physical contact with. Just a quick, innocent glance into the eye of an attractive alternative may disturb the medicine's intended affect, and leave the patient irrevocably attracted to someone they might catch a glimpse of...just walking down the street. Even a simple handshake with a business associate could leave the person being treated for their MAD with confusing feelings toward someone they work with every day.
Because of these caveats, the person suffering from Multiple Attraction Disorder must convince their intended life-long partner to spend 10 days in supervised quarantine while the initial drug dosage is administered. Of course, given the percentages, it is likely that one's partner will also need to be treated with Madiomyacin. But after the 10 day period, research indicates that 95% of those in quarantine taking the drug will find themselves in a stable, life-long relationship where 'the wandering eye' and other destabilizing syndromes will quickly become something of the past.
Although the study took place for only 6 months, scientists, and especially pharmaceutical companies, are ecstatic about the treatment and its prospects. The FDA, under intense pressure from lobbyists, is on a fast track to approve Madiomyacin. Support is flowing in from such venerated institutions as the Catholic Church and Tea Party affiliates across the country. However, the American Psychiatric and Therapeutic Institute, as well as the National Bar Association are fighting the treatment, fearing a radical loss in revenues from the fallout of funds associated with traditional treatment protocols, as well as, the predictably astronomical legal fees for administering the breakdown of the traditional family, and all its implications
Critics also complain that MAD is already in use as an acronym for Mutually Assured Destruction. However, doctors and scientists maintain that they both equate to essentially the same result: the dissolution of the relationship, one way or another
Members of the FDA Executive Board are themselves, at this very moment, quarantined in treatment facilities near Washington DC. A decision on the use of Madiomyacin, and the possible cure for MAD could come at any moment!