The presidential election of 2012 was another anomolous testament to the power of rhetotric and the illusion of a quick political fix. All the campaign hoopla, like usual, quickly turned into a malaisful reality check. Once the festivities faded and the balloons started to deflate, we were once again left with an apathetic body politique. This was convincingly demonstrated by the fact that only 20% of the twenty-thirty-year old demographic that elected Obama bothered to give up a night of tweeting, twittering and TV, to get off their keisters and make it to the polls!
In view of these disturbing complacencies descending upon the American body politique, I have decided, once again, to offer my candidacy for President. Frankly, I present many advantages that our traditional zealots for the office cannot even approximate.
First and foremost, I am untainted by any "deals" or "cronyism" that surely haunt whatever candidates may be making a run of it. I owe nothing to anyone (politically speaking) and will be able to deliver a pristine agenda of a revolutionary re-creation of a society paralyzed by myths of widespread affluence and environmental sanity.
Second, I will be the first original folk-singin,' guitar pickin,’ song writin’ president in our country’s history. What a break that will be from the mantra of rhetoric we’ve had to suffer through for so long from so many blow-hard executives straining to make things seem so much more mirthful and merry than they actually are. One thing I can assure you, the American public will hear it as it is from thelyrics and tunes of Marc Twang. It may not always be pretty, but it will be real.
Third, I am always looking for meaningful lucrative work, and why not go for the whole hog?… A job that offers a complete health insurance package, opportunity to travel and a chance to change the world!
Finally, the American public need not worry or fret about my propensities for extramarital affairs and other such depraved and salacious pastimes for as far as I know, I've used up my quota of that kind of activity many moons ago! Furthermore, due to kidney transplant surgery and the plethora of drugs I ingest daily, my interest in clandestine erotic adventures has been somewhat mitigated. Those disappointed by this rather sobering development can rest assured that my sordid past will provide a potpourri of profligate behavior that should easily and regularly fill any scandal sheet or tabloid. Moreover, I plan to exercise any ethically questionable sexual encounters in full view of the national press and the good people of this land.
As of this writing I am a regular fan of "Major League Baseball." The moral and legal dilemmas articulated on this show are well worth the many hours that often take me away from such politically essential reads such as "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire," "The Gnostic Gospels" and, of course, the misery loves company network drama: "Revenge." Other programs include: "Real Time with Bill Maher"... a show that unveils the vacuity, and futility of modern political discourse.
MY REAL PROGRAMS
First of all, MANDATORY VOTER PARTICIPATION. Democracy has obligations as well as its intrinsic freedoms. Men and women have given their lives so as to protect our right to vote. People who are too good or too busy to bother exercising this privilege should be fined and eventually deported to a dictatorship where governments do the voting for you!
Second, Tired of the mayhem and breakdown of discipline in the public schools? Let’s bring our beleaguered troops home from Afghanistan & Iraq and CALL IN THE NATIONAL GUARD! Many kids in our inner city schools have become inured to the future and as a result have no fear of ignorance. Education cannot be effectively implemented under conditions that demand teachers to spend half their time telling kids to "sit down and shut up." Smaller class size is always a good idea but it is a "red herring" in terms of dealing with the virtual anarchy that exists in many of our classrooms today. A bayonet at every classroom door will do more to bring up those test scores and convince these so-called "students" that it really is in their interest to focus on their work and not accept failure as inevitable or meaningless. Those students who still cannot see their way past the nihilistic attitudes that define their relationship to education should then be sent to boot camps or some equivalent where they can be helped in a more controlled and demanding environment. The time has come when well meaning people have to decide whether they want to continue bathing in the benign babble and rhetorical illusions of "reform" or to insist on real solutions and results.
Third, MANDATORY ABORTION (in each and every case). Sounds draconian, eh? Perhaps even a bit demented? But with my five-year plans we would only enact such programs until the population of this world regulates itself, and our environmental sanity is prioritized to the point where sustainability becomes a reality, instead of the speculative pipe dream it is now. Women choose to abort the unborn all the time for financial or "personal" reasons. This "choice" usually amounts to the child’s life being unsustainable one way or another. Surely, if that logic applies to a personal context, then it certainly applies to the health and sustainability of our planet in general!
Although the good and gentle people of this world will cry "demagoguery," or worse, let’s look at the alternatives. Soaring housing costs, increasingly compromised resources, contaminated, inadequate water supplies, rampant communicative diseases, etc., etc. Is this the kind of world we want to "beget and begot" innocent new lives into? C’mon folks, you want a kid? There are plenty of them out there right now awaitin’ decent homes. Go for it!
Fourth: an ATTENUATION OF THE PROFIT PRINCIPLE. Under my economic plan, personal income and holdings will be capped at $10,000,000. Don’t worry Bill Gates, you can still be one of the richest (if not the richest man in the world) but you might have to share the title as well as the bounty over and above the "wealth cap." Any income over that point will be spent by federal, state and municipalities on programs that served "the people"…all of us! Concomitantly, the lowest wage earners and Social Security beneficiaries will be boosted into a viable income bracket. Ultimately, the gap between rich and poor will narrow dramatically. Is it Socialism? Not really. But it is a policy that recognizes that we are all living on the same planet and therefore deserve an economic and social structure that allows, indeed, forces us to recognize each other as co-habitants…as opposed to what is going on now. As it stands, people "with money" for the most part, virtually consider themselves to be in a different orbit around the sun. And perhaps they are. No wonder then, we can’t solve our social-economic problems! The Attenuation of the Profit Principle will recreate our relationship to each other and to the earth that struggles to sustain us.
Fifth, every town, village, city, county…..whatever, will be legally bound to enacting monthly AUTOMOBILE MORATORIUMS. Those not able to infer the necessity for such a "sacrifice" will not likely vote for me anyway.…but may direct their attention to my website at http://www.marctwang.org/auto.html.
Sixth: What a wonderful world it could be if all the zealots and self-assured people of faith could all come together around the simple principle that we don't know how we got here, why we came, and especially where we're going when we're gone! Just imagine the world-wide common ground that could be established if we could only accede to our intrinsic ignorance about these matters, and have the humility to admit that we just don't know! Remember, even the great religions teach, (in spite of their proclamations about god, and cosmic intentionality) that humility is essential to our spiritual well-being. So, let's get off those cosmic, high holy horses and link ourselves to the one undeniable truth that connects us all: We really don't have a clue... what in the world it's all about!
Seventh, once and for all....Society Sanctioned Suicide. With all the hullabaloo about 'pro-choice' on the front end of life, how about some pro-choice on the back end of things? Why should we suffer chronic, painful end-times just to serve the prejudices of the prevailing religious institutions, and feed billions of dollars into the medical industries in the name of the 'sanctity of life'...if you can call it that once one's health starts going irretrievably south. The criminalization of assisted suicide (and even suicide itself, at times) is a brutal, medieval, moral anachronism that speaks volumes about ourselves as the reactionary, inhumane society we seem intent on maintaining!
Finally, the piece de resistance, a mammoth model train layout to be set up in the basement of the White House depicting the way society should be. Recruiting the top model railroaders in the country, we will assemble and recreate the topography and social conditions of our land featuring long-range, high-speed passenger trains, commuter and mass transit lines as well as a smattering of solar and fuel cell private and commercial vehicles. All this, embedded in a sane and just inter-relationship of working people, professionals, artists and business sectors. The exhibit will be open to the public and broadcast continually, twenty-four hours a day on cable and satellite TV.
So vote for me, folks….MARC TWANG…or don’t vote for me, see if I care! But if elected, I pledge to "tell it like it is," try to entertain you while doing so and promise that results will be the ultimate arbiter of our administration.